Fear

Fear is such a terrible feeling. It wraps itself around you until you think you are being stretched beyond your capacity. I don't deal well with changing atmospheres. And I'm horrible at making decisions. Do I do this? Or do I do that? I mull over it till Im blue in face. Eventually I do make decisions, it just takes a while.

I have been off for three months now, but not by my own choice. In January, I got laid from my job that I had been employed at for the past 6+ years. You would think that I would be freaking out, but I was calm as could be. At the time I had found out that I was pregnant, so getting laid off was the perfect thing. I could take time off before the baby was born.

Then in February we went to the dr's for a check up and the dr couldn't find a heartbeat, so we went in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. It looked as though from the measurments that the ultrasound technician was taking that the baby had stopped growing. We were quite devestated because it was out first child. I was 19 weeks.

We went to the hospital where I was induced and twelve hours later I gave birth to our baby boy, Jonathan. We didn't get to hold him, or see his face. But we were able to get photos from the hospital of his feet and hands. So small and so precious. It makes my heart hurt thinking about that day and the pain that still exists today. It may never go away completly, lingering somewhere in the depths of my heart.

Now, that I feel like Im ready to go back to work, I have so much fear about working in a new place. I get so nervous in new situations, and I always feel like I am going to be horrible. A part of me had wanted to leave my job for awhile because it was so mundane at times. But the part of me that kept me there was fear and uncertainty of the unknown. So I stayed.

So here I am looking for a new job and really nervous about starting a new job. I can not tell you what the future holds and what will happen but I have to beleive that these things happen for a reason. If we become too complacent, I think that limits us from growing and does not allow us to deal with change.

I am hoping that I can deal better with fear. One day at a time.