Fear

Fear is such a terrible feeling. It wraps itself around you until you think you are being stretched beyond your capacity. I don't deal well with changing atmospheres. And I'm horrible at making decisions. Do I do this? Or do I do that? I mull over it till Im blue in face. Eventually I do make decisions, it just takes a while.

I have been off for three months now, but not by my own choice. In January, I got laid from my job that I had been employed at for the past 6+ years. You would think that I would be freaking out, but I was calm as could be. At the time I had found out that I was pregnant, so getting laid off was the perfect thing. I could take time off before the baby was born.

Then in February we went to the dr's for a check up and the dr couldn't find a heartbeat, so we went in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. It looked as though from the measurments that the ultrasound technician was taking that the baby had stopped growing. We were quite devestated because it was out first child. I was 19 weeks.

We went to the hospital where I was induced and twelve hours later I gave birth to our baby boy, Jonathan. We didn't get to hold him, or see his face. But we were able to get photos from the hospital of his feet and hands. So small and so precious. It makes my heart hurt thinking about that day and the pain that still exists today. It may never go away completly, lingering somewhere in the depths of my heart.

Now, that I feel like Im ready to go back to work, I have so much fear about working in a new place. I get so nervous in new situations, and I always feel like I am going to be horrible. A part of me had wanted to leave my job for awhile because it was so mundane at times. But the part of me that kept me there was fear and uncertainty of the unknown. So I stayed.

So here I am looking for a new job and really nervous about starting a new job. I can not tell you what the future holds and what will happen but I have to beleive that these things happen for a reason. If we become too complacent, I think that limits us from growing and does not allow us to deal with change.

I am hoping that I can deal better with fear. One day at a time.

Fifteen

Recently, I discovered a song called "Fifteen" by Taylor Swift while I was cruising on youtube. Have you ever heard a song that speaks to you and brings back memories? Well, this is one of those that I think everyone can relate to.
Being fifteen, we think we know so much about what the world. We think we know what we want and what we don't want. But as this song states, you don't know what half of what you think you know.
And its so true. You tell a boy that you love him, and you believe that it's love. You were meant for eachother and nothing and no one can tell you otherwise. You are fifteen and have your life figured out. Life couldn't be better.
Looking back, you realize that you hadn't figured out the meaning of life, You're not likely to marry the same boyfriend that you had when you were fifteen and you're not likely to understand why you may never marry that same boyfriend that you had when you were fifteen.
I love music that makes you remember how you felt at one point in your life, It can bring you back to a time in your life when your current life seems worlds apart. It can set you up, lift you up, fill you up with all those memories.

High School Love by Hannah Louise on Polyvore.com

Here are the lyrics.. Fifteen by Taylor Swift

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
Its the morning of your very first day
you say hi to your friends you aint seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybodys way
its your freshman year and youre gonna be here
for the next four years in this town
hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
you know I havent seen you around, before

Cause when youre fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
youre gonna believe them
and when youre fifteen
feeling like there nothing to figure out
well count to ten, take it in
this is life before who youre gonna be
fifteen

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
and soon enough youre best friends
laughing at the other girls who think theyre so cool
well be out of here as soon as we can
and then youre on your very first date and hes got a car
and youre feeling like flying
and youre momas waiting up and you think hes the one
and youre dancing round your room when the night end
when the night ends

Cause when youre fifteen and somebody tell you they love you
youre gonna believe them
when youre fifteen and your first kiss
makes your head spin round but
in your life youll do greater than dating the boy on the football team
but I didnt know it at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted
wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
but I realized some bigger dreams of mine

and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
who changed his mind and we both cried

Cause when youre fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
youre gonna believe them
and when youre fifteen, dont forget to look before you fall
Ive found that time can heal most anything
and you just might find who youre supposed to be
I didnt know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

La la la la la .. la la la la la . La la la la la

Youre very first day
take a deep breath girl
take a deep breath as you walk through those doors.

Challenge Me

A couple of days ago, I picked up my Moutain Equipment Coop magazine that had been lying by bedside buried amongst piles of books and magazine. I had the thought to read it as when I recieved it I didn't really even look at it, I just sort of tossed it aside.

After flipping through the pages of magazine and thinking about what my next purchase would be(perahaps a new small carry all?)I came across page 79, to which there was a small article about two contest winners who had received a $1000 gift card from MEC.

Basically, Grant and Jen as well as their roommate made a pledge to not buy ANYTHING for a whole year. That means clothing, cds, makeup, shoes, etc. You get the point. And at the end of the year, whoever had the least amount of garbage in their bin won. It's called the CLEAN BIN PROJECT.

After going to the projects site(www.cleanbin.wordpress.com) and reading more about the challenge, I got to thinking about how much "stuff" every person buys on a daily basis. Starbucks coffee, garbage. Cd wrappers, garbage. Tooth brush packaging, garbage. It adds up over the year!

I began to think about my own purchases, and how much stuff I buy that I really don't need. Yesterday I bought some makeup brushes that I had been eyeing for a while which by the way, were on sale. Still, I can't help but think that I didn't actually need them. And how about my slurpee run almost daily to the Mac's beside us. Those plastic cups they come in add up!

So while I don't think I could be as hardcore as Grant, Jen and their roommate Rhyannon(think composting, recycling, and even makeing your own cleaning products including toothpaste, yes toothpaste!)I think that this can teach us/me/we about how we choose to spend our money.

So, Im going to challenge myself to limit what I purchase to a minimum. I will try not to buy anything that I do not need, and if I do purchase something, I will be sure that it is resuable, and that I don't buy anything that I already have(for example I already have enough shampoo to last me a year).

I am interested in seeing how this challenge will stretch my will power.

I would like to encourage my friends to hold me accountable to my actions, keeping me focused and cheering me on.

Wish me Luck!

Sunshine Vs Rain

Today, it is raining. Im sitting on the couch, with the patio door open, over looking the city, while the cool breeze blows inside. It is so nice to have cool air, though I am not one for rain, I do not like the heat, heat, heat. Call me crazy, but over the last couple of years, I've taken preference over the cooler air. Even Autumn air I love. But I would like it if the sun decided to come out today. Not likely though.

I am watching a tv show on storm chasers. Some of it looks like fun, but most of it looks like a real mess to be involved with. I don't think that I could handle being out in the middle of nowhere and have hail the size of golf balls falling from the sky and hitting me in the head. Apparently, hail the size of golf balls can be deadly. How fun!

I am going shopping today, because it would seem that I need new pants. I got a call for a job so hopefully.. I can find some at a good price because there is nothing more that I hate than having to buy overpriced clothes.

I wish that we had space for a roll and grow. It is a long sheet of seeds that you can cut you just roll out, hence Roll'Grow. Its on the television right now. But I think I have seen it in stores. Maybe until then I will go to home depot and pick up some pretty flowers and hang them from the balcony.

I must go shopping. Here's hoping that I find some good clothes for this new job of mine.

Stay tuned for updates